


"It was Never Fake for Me"

by Renel17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, James Potter is a Good Friend, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Making Out, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Public Display of Affection, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Has Nightmares, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renel17/pseuds/Renel17
Summary: When Sirius approaches Remus panicked, asking him to be his boyfriend for a month as to avoid being set up by Marlene, he's reluctant. Can he "date" Padfoot without letting his true feelings for his bestfriend slip? But after seeing Sirius pouting, how could he say no? But Remus should have known that nothing good can last for long when the Marauders are involved.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, background james/lily - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 152





	"It was Never Fake for Me"

**Author's Note:**

> ***WARNING: This work contains homophobia, sad thoughts and references to child abuse. If that triggers you please do not read, your health comes first! ***

"Date me!" Remus' eyes widened at the sudden outburst. Confusion spread across his face as Sirius' expression didn't falter from one of complete panic. How did he get here, Remus wondered. All he wanted to do was go to Charms like he did everyday, before he was swept away by an unknown figure, now known as Sirius, and was shoved into a nearby broom closet before being shouted at. 

Remus' mouth opened and closed repeatedly, like a fish out of water, not knowing what exactly to say. Finally processing the question, that was said more like a statement, he finally was able to utter a "What?"

Sirius sighted and rolled his eyes before releasing his hand from its grip on Remus' arm. He used his now free hand to rub at his eyes as he paced back and forth. It started to worry Remus, as he had rarely ever seen Sirius in such a state, except when Sirius had come to apologize to Remus in tears after the Snape incident, tears in his eyes. How could Remus not forgive him? 

However now was different. There was nothing wrong going on in Sirius' life that Remus knew of, especially something that required Remus' affection. Not being able to take Sirius' pacing any longer, Remus once again spoke.

"Padfoot, what's wrong? You're scaring me" his tone one of full concern.

At Remus' show of empathy Sirius turned and smiled at him. "I'm fine Moony really, but I need your help." He finally said in a surprisingly calm tone. 

Remus pursed his lips. "You know I'm always here for you Pads, but what is it you need help with that requires taking me on a date?" 

Sirius chuckled a breathy laugh before looking at the floor. "Marlene." was all he uttered out. 

Now Remus was even more confused than he was when he was first kidnapped. Could this be considered kidnapping? He didn't particularly want to be here at the moment, but any moment spent with Sirius was one worth being in. Remus shook his head, willing those thoughts to be washed away. He's buried them long enough, the last thing he needs is for them to resurface while he's in way too close proximity to the man he's so desperately trying not to think about. 

His known since second year, his affections for Sirius. He's always assumed he was a poof, but after a severely outmatched wrestling fight with Sirius that ended up with him draped across Remus' body was enough to confirm that not only was he a raging queer, but had it out for his best friend. He would never tell anyone these revelations though, of course, not even Lily. He already has enough to deal with as it is, being a bloodthirsty monster every full, he doesn't need the added weight of homophobia on his shoulders. Thus led to the life he was currently living, pretending nothing was wrong and that his heart didn't beat out of his chest every time Sirius rested his head against Remus' shoulders after every late night study session. And yet, the world seemed to hate Remus even more than he already expected, because here was the one person he wanted to somewhat avoid, locking him in a confined space and asking him to date. 

Remus was still confused, Sirius' small explanation eased none of his concerns. "McKinnon?" He finally managed, "What does she have to do with any of this?"

"She's trying to set me up!" Sirius blurted out, his once calm stature going back to one of panic. "I am not being set up by one of her ghastly, clingy, tamed friends! No way in hell!" He stated, his frustration becoming more evident with every word he spoke. Remus absorbed the new information, nodding along as to look understanding, but internally he was just as panicked as Sirius was. 

"So you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend to get Marlene off your back." Remus stated

"Yes exactly!" Sirius exclaimed "I know it's not ideal but you're my best friend, Moony, and I really need your help."

Remus looked at Sirius, fighting with himself about how this is a horrible idea and the worst way to try to get over your feelings with someone. But one look into Sirius' deep grey puppy dog eyes had him caving without an extra thought. 

"Fine," Remus finally decided "But how long is this gonna last and what exactly does it entail?" 

"At least a month-"

"A month?!" Remus interrupted. Oh no, he could not do that for a month. Not without revealing all of those feelings he's pushed so deep down. 

"Please Remus! It has to look legit! and then once we break up, I'll say I'm not over you so Marlene won't try to set me up again! It's perfect!" Sirius pleaded, full of hope. 

Remus sighed, he knew he was going to agree to whatever scheme Sirius had anyway as soon as he was pushed into the broom closet. "Fine Sirius, fine. What exactly do I have to do?"

Sirius' face lights up, making Remus' stomach twist in knots and his heart flutter. "Ah, thank you Remus! You're the best. So we have to do what most other couples do, hold hands and cuddle and stuff, but I promise I won't make you kiss me! I'll just say something like we prefer to do that in private." Sirius exclaimed.

Remus' tension somewhat relaxed. That wasn't much different from what he and Sirius' relationship was like at the moment anyway. Sirius has always been a touchy person, most likely due to the lack of affection from his family, so hugs and cuddles weren't uncommon for them to share. So the only thing that would be different is that they say it's romantic cuddling than platonic. Okay, Remus reasoned, he can do that.

"Okay, Pads. Let's do it." Remus said, and who knew that the smile on Sirius' face could get even bigger. 

"I knew I could count on you Moons!" Sirius exclaimed “Alright, let's get out there and be the hottest couple Hogwarts has ever seen!" he remarked, intertwining his and Remus' fingers before unlocking the door and pulling Remus out and walking to Charms. Not once did he let go of Remus' hand, and not once did Remus' heartbeat slow down from the sudden contact he had with the boy he loved. This was going to be one long month. 

*******

They didn't get too many looks during the first day, as everyone knew that Sirius was very touchy with all of the Marauder's, so it just looked like normal affection between them. But it was after classes when people finally started realizing that what was happening between Remus and Sirius was more than just platonic.

They were all in the common room studying, much to James' and Sirius' disappointment. Sirius sat next to Remus on the couch, which wasn't a new occurrence. What was new, however, was the position they were in. Sirius had curled himself onto Remus' lap, his head resting on Remus' legs facing Reus' torso while his legs were curled inward towards himself. Meanwhile Remus had his dominant hand holding open his potions textbook so he could read, and the other hand weaved its way through Sirius' long silky black locks. It was surprisingly easy, Remus thought, being so domesticated with Sirius. It felt natural being like this with him, maybe it's because he had thought about doing this with Sirius for what felt like forever. No matter the reason though, the ease that the affection occurred did not do anything to tame Remus' rapidly beating heart. 

He hoped that Sirius couldn't tell how affected Remus was by their proximity, but if he did he didn't say a word about it. 

Peter, ever the ignorant one, noticed nothing new in the dynamic of them. However James noticed the moment Sirius' head hit Remus' lap. From the chair across the room where James sat, he looked in between Sirius' spot on Remus and Remus' face, before making direct eye contact with Remus and lifting his eyebrows in question. Remus, unsure of how Pads wanted to go about "coming out" so to speak, to James, just blushed before looking down at Sirius and continuing to caress his hair with a small smile plastered on his face. 

Sirius ended up falling asleep as soon as he started cuddling with Remus, his soft snore sending vibrations to Remus' stomach, and Remus couldn't describe a better feeling than this. Having the one person you're head over heels for right in your arms, letting you show them affection, was all Remus could've ever asked for.

His heart faltered, however, remembering that this was just an act, that Sirius was just using his love in order to keep McKinnon off his back. Although his heart sunk at the thought, he decided that he would use this as an opportunity. He knew that Sirius would never love him the way he loves Sirius, so he will cherish this small moment he has with him, and play his role as best he can. He will shower Sirius with all the love and affection he's always wanted to show him but never could. Maybe then, just maybe, he would be able to get all his feelings out of his system and start the process of getting over his unrequited love. Officially deciding on his new plan, Remus wrapped his hand that was once in Sirius' hair down to his back and pulled him ever so closer. 

It was at that moment that Marlene and Lily decided to walk into the common room, chatting idly to one another, when Marlene spotted Sirius and Remus' position and stopped dead in her tracks. Lily looked at her confused, wondering why she suddenly froze, before following her gaze to the couch where the two boys were. After seeing them she did something Remus was not expecting: she smiled. 

She was about to clap and yell something, when Remus quickly covered his mouth with one of his fingers, to communicate that Sirius was asleep. After taking the hint Lily closed her mouth, the smile still etched onto her face, and clasped her hands together silently. In a whisper, she uttered out one word. "Finally". 

Marlene was still frozen, in shock or confusion he was unsure of. Noticing that Lily may be able to make sense of this whole situation, James decided that moment to speak up and ask the question that everyone could tell he'd been dying to ask since the moment Sirius joined Remus on the couch. In a hushed tone, he asked "Can someone please explain to me what is happening right now?"

Marlene never moved, and Lily and James stared at Remus expectantly. Peter finally looked up from his transfiguration homework, still having not a clue what was going on. Remus' blush spread from his cheeks down his neck as they bore their eyes at him, and he was only able to stutter out some words.

"O-oh, um, well uh, you see. Sirius and I-Uhm." He was too embarrassed to get any words out, and the relationship wasn't even real! Lily, sensing Remus' panic, decided to take matters into her own hands. 

"Well I'd be happy to explain for Remus. C'mon James, Marlene." She started towards the dorms, grabbing onto Marlene's arms to drag her frozen form where she wanted her to go, and James stood up, taking any opportunity he could to spend time with Lily. Halfway to the staircase Lily stopped and turned, motioning towards Peter and saying. "You too, Peter. Let's go." She then winked at Remus, before the four of them finally left the common room. 

Remus stared at where he had last seen the group of them, utterly confused as to what just happened, before turning his attention back to Sirius' sleeping form. The small smile returned to his face, and he gently closed his textbook and set it onto the end table before resting his hand back into Sirius' hair. His other hand, now free, rested upon Sirius cheek, and caressed his smooth skin. Remus took this time to admire Sirius, and see just how beautiful he was. He'd always known Sirius was beautiful, but there was something about him sleeping, his face relaxed, free from any stress or anxiety, that made Remus fall in love with him just a little more. 

He knew it was getting late, and he should probably wake Sirius up so he could go sleep in his actual bed. Before he could do that though, Remus found himself leaning down, and gently brushed his lips against Sirius' forehead. Internally, he was conflicted with what he just did. On one hand he knew what he did was wrong, but on the other he knew that would probably be the only chance he ever got to kiss Sirius. It's not like he could take the kiss back anyway. 

After a moment he lifted his head back up and ran his fingers through Sirius' hair once more. When he was finished he lightly shook Sirius' shoulders. "Hey, Pads." he whispered. "Pads, c'mon you gotta wake up."

After a moment Sirius finally stirred, and his eyes opened. He seemed confused at first, until his eyes met Remus' and a large smile spread across his face. At that moment Remus swore his heart stopped. 

"Hey Moony" Sirius spoke, his voice gruff from sleep, something Remus shouldn't have found as adorable as he did. "What's going on?"

"You fell asleep." Remus answered softly, although he didn't know why, since Sirius was already awake. Sirius just huffed and stretched his arms, but never left his spot on Remus' lap, much to Remus' happiness. Suddenly Remus remembered what had just occurred minutes prior and realized Sirius should probably be aware of the situation. 

"Uh Pads," Remus started nervously "something happened while you were asleep."

At his words Sirius stopped mid stretch and looked up at Remus, his face a mix of curiosity and panic. He arched his brows as a signal for Remus to continue. 

"Well Marlene and Lily came into the common room, and well, they saw us. And Marlene, kinda, went into shock I guess? She never moved or spoke. But Lily was weirder. She looked, almost, happy? I guess? She said 'finally', as if she expected it to happen." Remus explained, and watched as Sirius' face grew pinker as he described what Lily said. After a minute Sirius cleared his throat and said "Well, that's good at least. One more person we don't have to come up with an explanation for."

Remus nodded, then added "There's more."

Sirius looked up at him expectantly, and for a moment Remus realized why his Animagus form was a dog, because the only way he could describe those eyes were puppy-like. After a second Remus realized he was staring instead of speaking, so he coughed and looked away for a second to collect his thoughts before resting his eyes on Sirius once more. 

"James knows. And Peter. Lily had to explain to them. I didn't know if I should, considering this is kind of your plan, but Lily beat me to it." He finally finished, specifically leaving out the parts of Remus' embarrassment. After he spoke Remus could see that Sirius was processing this information, and after a moment Pads nodded and smiled back up to him. 

"Well then! I guess all the hard work was done for us Moons!" Sirius exclaimed, "Now we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone else. Now Marlene knows, which was the original target, and she's also a gossip so you know word about our "relationship" is going to be all around the castle by tomorrow." He explained, and Remus nodded in agreement. 

They sat there for a moment, basking in each other's embrace, and it made Remus wish that this was real. That he could hold Sirius like this all the time, and be able to actually call him his. But this wasn't real, and Sirius will never know just how much Remus cares for him. At that saddening thought, Remus patted Sirius' head and motioned him to sit up.

"Well Pads, I think it's time for us to go to bed-" He started, going to stand. But before he could get too far a hand reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him from going too far. 

"Wait, Moons!" Sirius said and Remus looked back at him confused.

"What's the matter, Pads?"

Sirius looked down nervously, and shuffled his feet. Why was he so anxious? Remus wondered. 

"I wanted to ask you something. Something not having to do with the whole relationship thing." Sirius finally said. Remus looked at him understandingly and sat back down on the couch, now facing Sirius. Even though he didn't leave, Sirius still wouldn't let go of his wrist. Even though they had been holding hands all day, the contact still made Remus shudder. After calming his heart a bit, Remus looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius nodded before taking a deep breath. 

"I was wondering if you could sleep with me." Sirius asked and Remus' eyes shot up. What did he just say?! Remus' mouth dropped wide, and it seems Sirius just understood the implications of what he was asking, because soon his eyes too went wide and he was shaking his head violently. 

"No! No no, not like that! I meant like, going to sleep in the same bed! Not like-like how you are thinking" Sirius clarified, and Remus let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He could deal with affection for this thing, but he knew if he had sex with Sirius that he wouldn't be able to keep his true feelings hidden anymore. After calming down Remus started to giggle, which turned into full on laughter, which caused Sirius to look at him like he was a crazy Azkaban escapee before he too, doubled over in laughter. After what felt like a lifetime of laughter, their laughs died down and Sirius wiped a stray tear from his eyes. 

After a moment of catching their breaths, Remus faced towards Sirius again. "Padfoot," he started "are you having nightmares again?"

Sirius nodded, refusing to look up at Remus. "I thought I could handle them." Sirius said, his voice shaky, and after hearing his distress Remus put a comforting hand on his knee. "But they are just getting worse. And I didn't know what to do but then I napped with you, and nothing. No nightmares. I felt, safe, with you." 

At his words Remus lightly gasped before pulling Sirius into a tight hug. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' neck, and Remus had one hand rubbing Sirius' back while the other went back to his hair. Sirius has always had nightmares, but the rest of the Marauder's didn't understand why until second year when they met Walburga, and she slapped Sirius across the face in broad daylight. Then the nightmares and mysterious bruises all made sense. Ever since then Remus had started sleeping with Sirius in bed, he found that it really helped the boy. At first he thought it would just be easier, that way when Sirius screamed or thrashed, he would wake up Remus first and Remus could help him before he would wake up anyone else. But they found that when Sirius was sleeping with Remus, he had no nightmares at all. Eventually, the nightmares stopped all together and Remus started sleeping alone, much to his disappointment, but he'd never tell anyone that. 

Remus knew that it had been extra hard for Sirius this year since the summer prior was when Sirius officially ran away from home and became a Potter. He had suspected the nightmares were back, but didn't want to push anything. But here he was, hugging Remus and asking for his help, trying to keep himself from crying. Remus kept rubbing his back and stroking his hair, trying to keep Sirius calm.

"Sirius, of course I'll lay with you. I'm always here for you, please know that." Remus answered, and he felt the grip Sirius had on his neck tighten.They stayed like that, for how long, Remus didn't know, but what he did know is that they both needed this. 

**************

After they had finally separated they cleaned up the common room before heading back up towards their dorm. Before they got too far, however, Sirius intertwined their fingers. Remus looked at him curiously before Sirius said "They boys know now don't they? We need to act the part." Remus nodded before he kept walking, the slight hope that had appeared being ripped out of his chest. Of course Sirius didn't want to just randomly hold his hand. This was an act. It meant nothing to him. Remus meant nothing to him. 

Remus could feel his eyes watering at the thoughts, but he willed the tears away. If he cried now Sirius would know something was up, and the feelings that he had worked so hard at keeping down would be revealed. So he took a big breath and acted like everything was fine, that he wasn't in love with his best friend, and said best friend wasn't breaking his heart.   
They finally arrived at their dorm, and taking a deep breath they opened the door. The first thing they saw was James, sitting on his bed staring daggers at the two of them. On the other side of the room was Peter, who didn't seem to have a care in the world, and was getting ready for bed. 

They stood in the doorway awkwardly, waiting for Prongs to say something, anything! Sirius must have sensed Remus' nerves, because he felt Sirius give his hand a tight squeeze in reassurance. Remus squeezed back, and tried to contain a smile. 

Finally, James broke, and huffed a big breath while standing from his bed. He started pacing around their room, mumbling reprimands towards Sirius and Remus. 

"I can't believe you two! You start dating and don't tell us! Don't get me wrong I don't care that you both are into blokes, but blimey boys! We are your friends! You're supposed to tell us these things! Sirius!" He yelled, finally stopping his pacing and turning towards the both of them. "Sirius! You're my brother! Why didn't you tell us."

Peter remained silent during James' speech, but his attention was now on them rather than his nightly routine. Remus didn't know what to say. He felt horrible. Sure this relationship wasn't real, but James was right, they should've told them first. Before Remus could agree with him, however, Sirius spoke up.

"We're sorry Prongs, honestly! This is new for both of us. We were going to tell you, but then Lily figured it out before we even told anyone. And we wanted to tell you together, that's why Remus didn't say anything while I was sleeping." Sirius explained, and Remus nodded in agreement, shocked at how good of a story Sirius made up while on the spot like that. Although it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, as Sirius was always coming up with weird stories to get out of detention for the pranks they pulled. 

After a moment of contemplation, James nodded, sighing and sitting back down on his bed. 

Still somewhat confused, Remus asked "So, you guys aren't shocked? Like, confused at all?" while looking in between the two boys. 

"Oh I was confused!" James started. "But I was confused as to why the both of you would get into a relationship and not tell me first! Blimey, I need to know these things!" he yelled, and Peter snickered. 

"If you're asking if we were shocked about you two being together, not in the slightest." Peter answered, and now Sirius and Remus both looked at them puzzled. "Well, I mean it was quite obvious mate. You guys have been making heart eyes at each other since third year!" he exclaimed, and Remus could feel his blush returning tenfold. Was he more obvious than he thought he was? And what did Peter mean by the both of them looking at each other like that? Surely he just meant Remus. 

"Yeah, for Merlin’s sake it's about time you two! I was getting to the point of wanting to lock you guys in a cupboard and forcing you all together!" James agreed, and now Remus was extra confused. What on earth were they talking about? He looked to Sirius for an answer, just to see that he too was sporting the same blush as Remus, while also avoiding Remus eyes. As he was about to ask Sirius what James and Peter were talking about, Sirius spoke up.

"Alrighty boys I think that's enough embarrassment for one night! Me and Moony are going to hit the sack." he exclaimed, pulling Remus towards his bed. Peter laughed while James fake gagged, and said "Ew, Merlin! We don't need to know all that! And use some silencing charms if you will!" Remus' blushed and tried to stutter out that that was not, in fact, what they were doing, but Sirius only laughed and threw one of his pillows at James. 

"Shut it Prongs! Ya nasty bastard! Get your mind out of the gutter!" He said, and turned to get ready for bed. 

After they all got ready, Remus turned off the lights before going back to Sirius' bed. He stood next to it a moment, wondering how to do this in the least awkward way possible, when a hand shot out from under the duvet and snatched his wrist, before yanking him down onto the mattress. Taking the hint Remus chuckled lightly before lifting the sheets and climbing under. He moved onto his side and came face to face with a tired looking Sirius. Padfoot smiled at him, and Remus couldn't help but smile back. 

"Hi." Sirius said, in a hushed whisper that Remus could only describe as adorable

"Hi." Remus said back. They laid like that for a long while, just basking in each other's company while Remus admired everything that was Sirius Black. 

At one point Sirius had lifted his hand, and started petting through Remus' curls, and Remus couldn't help but close his eyes and relax into his hand. He wished everyday could be like this, that he could lay with Sirius every night and give him the affection he deserved. Soon afterwards, Remus opened his eyes and extended his arms outwards, inviting Sirius in-between them. Sirius grinned, before settling himself on Remus' chest and putting his head in the crook of Remus' neck. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him tightly, rubbing soothing circles on his back. They didn't need to say anything, everything had already been said. Soon Remus could hear the subtle snores telling him that Padfoot had finally fallen asleep, and with the comforting pressure of Sirius on his chest, Remus drifted off into a deep sleep. 

**********

Waking up next to Sirius was Remus' new favorite activity, right next to falling asleep next to him. It was quite easy for the two of them to fall into a routine. Wake up in the morning, with their legs tangled and smiles on their faces. Then they get dressed and walk to the great hall for breakfast hand in hand where they sit as close as possible, Remus always keeping a hand on the small of Sirius' back. They walked to classes together, sat together, ate together. At the end of the day they do what they did on that very first night: Remus studying on the couch while Sirius lays on his lap. Sometimes Sirius would study as well, other times he would take a nap. But, every once in a while he would just lay there with Remus, talking about anything and everything with him, until Remus had long forgotten whatever book was in his hand. 

For three weeks this went on, and it was Remus' heaven. But. he should have known that good things don't happen to him. 

It all went down hill one Friday night after a successful Quidditch match where the Gryffindor's had thoroughly beaten Slytherin. In celebration James decided to have a party in the common room, accompanied by some snuck in firewhiskey that some six years had gotten their hands on. Now, Remus didn't mind parties, much to peoples disbelief. He loved being able to socialize and what he wanted without being judged. What he didn't like, however, were drunk girls. Specifically, a drunk Marlene McKinnon. 

The party was somewhat dying down, only about 15 or so people left in the common room. Remus was sitting on the sofa, his head pulled to the side where he was watching with somewhat dizzying eyes a much drunker Sirius, swaying his body to some song Remus had never heard of before. He was staring at Sirius so intensely that he jumped with a start at Marlene's voice that echoed across the room. 

"Alright guys! How about some Truth or Dare before the night ends?" She slurred, and cheers erupted around her. Everyone started to form a circle on the floor, Remus slowly scooting his body off of his seat so his back was leaning against the sofa. Sirius had made his way from the dancefloor to Remus' side, and his quite obviously drunk self decided to sit as close as possible next to Remus. Remus' heart had somewhat been able to get accustomed to this new affection, but it still fluttered whenever Sirius did things like this. Not minding the proximity one bit, however, Remus' tipsy self decided to be bold, and he wrapped an arm around Sirius' shoulders and pulled him even closer, their bodies flush against one another. Sirius looked at him and smiled. before resting his head on Remus' shoulders. Remus smiled down at him before looking back up to take in who was around him.

Next to Remus was a very drunk Alice who was being taken care of by Frank, and next to Sirius was a pouting James, upset that he wasn't able to get a spot by Lily. Peter was seated next to him, who was flirting with Mary Macdonald. Remus shot his eyebrows up in surprise, but was inevitably glad that Peter had been able to get with someone. Across from Remus was Lily, who was in-between Marlene and Dirk Cresswell, and within the rest of the circle seemed to be some other six years that he didn't know the name of. Marlene put an empty bottle in the middle of the circle, and spun. The first spin landed onto Peter, who after nervously fighting a bit, picked dare. 

"I dare you to snog Mary" She snickered, and Peter's face went as red as a beetroot. His mouth opened, probably to object, when Mary grabbed his face and turned him before connecting their lips. Whoops and hollers sounded around the circle, and after Peter and Mary broke apart, Peter had a grin that didn't leave his face until he went to bed. 

The rounds went on as expected after that. James ended up downing a half a bottle of firewhiskey, and Lily had ended up confessing that her first kiss was with Snape during second year. This caused an outburst from James, but the poor bloke was so drunk his words of disgust were no more than gibberish. Remus had chosen truth, and had ended up telling the group about a time when he had accidently walked in on Gilderoy Lockhart looking at himself naked in the boys' showers. 

Everything was going well and good, until the bottle was spun by Marlene, and it landed on Sirius.

Marlene smirked at the two of them before asking "Alright Sirius, truth or dare?"

Sirius, being always an impulsive drunk, had of course chosen dare. Marlene nodded before tapping her finger to her chin, as if to show she was deep in thought. After a second she smiled, one that caused Remus to worry a bit, before asking, "Okay, then I dare you to make out with Remus." 

Remus and Sirius both froze, and Remus' face undoubtedly showed that of panic. He was about to object, but Sirius beat him to it. "What? No, I'm not kissing Moony in front of you all." Sirius said, his voice sharp. Marlene just scoffed. 

"Why not? It's not like you haven't made out with other girls in the center of the hallway before Sirius." She said. She was right, Remus thought. Under any other circumstances Sirius wouldn't have hesitated to kiss someone in the group, but the situation was different now. He could tell Sirius was getting angry now, although he wasn't sure why. 

"Absolutely not Marlene, I am not kissing Remus." Sirius said more sternly. Remus had decided to remove his arm from around Sirius' shoulder, as he was going to try to calm him down, when Marlene spoke again. 

"Do it." "No!" "Yes!" "No, I am not kissing Moony!" they argued, Sirius' voice getting sterner with each objection. Remus could tell that Sirius was getting agitated, and being drunk didn't help him control his emotions whatsoever. 

"Why, because you're scared?" Marlene drawled

"No!" Sirius shouted, and everyone went quiet. "I'm not kissing Remus because I'm not actually a poof like him!" he yelled, and Remus gasped. Sirius, realizing what he had just said, turned to look at Remus with wide eyes. Sirius shook his head and tried to apologize, but Remus wasn't having it. Remus stood slowly, trying not to lose his balance, before turning towards the stairs. Sirius grabbed Remus' wrist in an effort to stop him. 

"Wait! Moony-" Sirius started, 

"Don't touch me!" Remus interrupted, trying his best not to let the tears slip from his eyes. He ripped his hand out of Sirius' grip before storming up the stairs to the dorm. Distantly, he could hear Lily yelling at Sirius, but he didn't quite care at the moment. He rubbed his eyes furiously, trying to eliminate any signs of sadness, before going to his bed and laying down, not bothering to change. With his wand he shut his curtains, then placed the best silencing charm he could in his state. After he was sure he wouldn't be heard, Remus finally broke down into tears. He wasn't sure why he was crying, he knew that his relationship with Sirius was fake and that it would come to an end eventually. He was the one who got too attached, he was the one who fell in love when he wasn't supposed to. But, Sirius didn't need to say such awful words. Remus had practically came out in order to help Sirius, and this is how he showed his thanks? With sharp words that stabbed Remus through the heart. 

Distantly, Remus heard the sound of feet approach the dorm, before the door was opened and a single set of feet approached his bed. 

"Remus?" The person said. Of course it was Sirius. After hearing his voice a fresh wave of tears forced their way out of Remus' eyes, and he had to hold back his sobs. He could hear Sirius' feet shuffle, as if he was unsure what to do.

"Remus I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said the things I did. I don't think of you like a poof, I just-" He said, too drunk to form the right words. After it seemed like he decided he wouldn't be able to say what he really wanted to, Sirius just sighed. "I really am sorry Moony." he finally uttered, before Remus heard the shuffling of his feet again before he got into his own bed. 

When Remus heard the shuffling stop, he allowed himself to feel what he had been holding back, and sobbed into his pillow. Knowing that the person of his affections thought of him in the same light that he saw himself made Remus' heart shatter beyond recovery. His sobs eventually died down to the point where he was able to fall asleep with tear stained cheeks. He laid in bed alone for the first time in three weeks. 

************

Remus awoke with stinging eyes and a very prominent headache. He grunted, rubbing his eyes before reaching out for the comfort of the body that was usually next to him. When his hand hit nothing but cold sheets, the events of the night before hit him all at once. His heart shattered all over again, and tears threatened to once again fall from his eyes. He laid there staring at the dorm ceiling for Merlin knows how long, trying to calm himself down. It was Saturday, which meant Remus had no obligations, and therefore could avoid Sirius easily. But he worried about Monday, and how he was going to be able to face Sirius again. 

Remus was so used to this new routine that Sirius and he had created, that it was hard for him to go on with his day. By the lack of noise emanating from the dorm room, Remus concluded that he was the first one awake. Usually, he and Sirius would wake up at about just the same time, opening their eyes in sync and basking in each other's warmth until they were forced to get up for class. Now, however, Remus was cold and alone. 

After mentally motivating himself, Remus opened his curtains and got up from his four poster. Looking around, he saw James passed out with his glasses still on, and Peter nowhere in sight. Most likely he had stayed with Mary last night. After a weak battle, Remus finally looked over to Sirius' bed to see that his curtains were drawn. Fine by Remus, Godric knows he wouldn't have been emotionally stable enough to look at Sirius' sleeping form without breaking down. 

He sauntered to the lavatory to get ready for the day, but jumped in fright after seeing his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were rimmed with red, and his cheeks puffy from crying. His curly hair which Sirius had once complimented for always being perfect was spewed about every which way, and his clothes were wrinkled beyond help. In summary he looked like he had been hit with a trolley. He washed his face with cold water to relieve the swelling and did the best he could with his hair before deciding to change and heading down to breakfast. 

Upon his arrival to the Great Hall he found that Lily and Marlene were already there, chatting on one end of the Gryffindor table. After he took a minute to think, Remus decided it would be best to avoid the Marauder's for a bit, and went over to where Lily was. As soon as he approached them, Lily looked up at him and smiled softly. This is why he liked Lily, because she didn't look at him with pity the way that the Marauders did, especially after a bad full. He sat down across from them, and started adding some toast and eggs onto his place. It was Marlene who decided to break the somewhat awkward silence they held.

"Remus, I want to apologize. I shouldn't have forced Sirius to do that to you." she said, her eyes full of remorse. Remus smiled at her, as much as he could with the vast negative emotions that were swimming within him, and replied: "There's no need to apologize, Marlene. What happened, what was said. It would have come out eventually." he added, feeling the tears start to well back up in his eyes before he took a deep breath to will them down. Lily, sensing his sorrow, reached across the table and took his hand in hers and squeezed it reassuringly. 

"We're always here for you, Rem. You can hang out with us as long as you need." Another reason he loved Lily. She didn't pry. She just knew Remus was upset and offered support. No wonder James was head over heels for her. If he wasn't so bent he might be too. He smiled at her and nodded, then all of them went back to their breakfast. Marlene brought up the topic of Slughorn's potion essay due Monday, and soon the three of them drifted into a peaceful conversation. However nothing at Hogwarts remains peaceful, especially for Remus. 

Remus could hear him before he saw him. The clunk of his heavy leather boots was always loud, but that along with his hungover state and the odd quiet of the Great Hall meant that his steps were louder than ever before. Remus tensed, and scanned his eyes up at Lily who was staring to their left, shooting daggers at someone, Remus could guess who. He refused to look towards him though and tried to continue eating, but when he heard the boots approach where they were seated it was hard to ignore that the man you fell in love with, the one who had shattered your heart the night before, was standing right behind him. 

"Can we help you, Black?" Lily said aggressively, and Remus inwardly flinched. He knew Sirius hated being called that, being associated with his family at all. But, he shouldn't worry about Sirius now. He shouldn't think about how Lily's words might affect him, because Sirius didn't think about his own words, and didn't think about how much they hurt Remus. 

"Actually, I was wondering if I could talk to Remus? Please?" Sirius said, and Remus could hear the sadness in his voice, along with desperation. It broke his heart. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and reach out to Sirius, to hold him and tell him that everything was okay. But nothing was okay. Remus was broken. He was a useless fag who fell in love with his bestfriend, his best friend who thought of him as nothing more than a poof. 

Remus could feel the tears building up again, and this time he knew he wouldn't be able to stop them. He gathered his things and stood up from the table, making sure that he didn't look at Sirius. 

"I need to go." he said hurriedly to the girls, and turned and ran out of the Great Hall all while facing his back towards Sirius. 

***********

Remus didn't know where he was going when he left the Great Hall, but he had somehow ended up in the Shrieking Shack. He stepped down the stairs carefully and took in the shack. It was one of the only times he's been able to look at it in the daylight without being in immense pain. He looked over to the mattress that was still covered in dry blood from his last transformation. He grabbed a nearby throw blanket and covered the mattress before laying down and covering his eyes with his hands. He felt nothing but pain.

See, the pain from the moon was something Remus could live with. He would suffer, but only for a moment, before being led to Madame Pomfrey who would heal his wounds and take the edge off the pain. But this pain was unbearable, this heartache that he felt. He could feel where the pain started, directly in his heart. It was once a dull ache, but as time progressed became something of a black hole, that sucked all emotion out of Remus, where the only thing left was numbness. Soon, the pain traveled, and Remus swore he could feel that detached, emotionless being in his fingertips. Remus was no longer sad, he had no tears left to cry. No, Remus felt dead. 

Remus chuckled to himself at that thought. He felt as dramatic as Prongs. But then, he thought, is this what Prongs felt like every time Lily rejected him? Did he feel utterly destroyed knowing that the one he loved didn't feel the same? Was the dejected and numbed feeling that Remus was carrying with him the same for the other Marauder? He had hoped not, because if it was, he regrets ever making fun of James for his discouragement towards his love for Lily, because Remus would never wish this feeling upon his worst enemy. 

As Remus was drowning in his numbness, he heard the sound of footsteps making their way down the steps. He knew only three other people would know where to find him, and he prayed to Merlin that it wasn't Sirius. He couldn't handle more numbness. 

Surprisingly though, when the footsteps reached their end and Remus looked up, He saw James standing in the archway. For a moment, Remus wondered if James had a super sense, and could tell that Remus was thinking about him. After making eye contact Prongs smiled sadly and made his way over to Remus. 

Remus scooted over on the bloodied mattress, and James laid next to him. They didn't speak at first, James letting Remus bask in his presence and take a minute to collect his thoughts. Soon though Remus sighed and signaled with his hand for James to speak. He knew James was here for a reason. Although most outsiders viewed James as the rowdy one, he was more of the parent of the group. He cared for the other three enormously, and would do whatever it took to help them. However this was a new experience, two of his 'children' being at odds, and Remus wondered what his intentions were. 

"Sirius told me the whole thing, about the fake relationship, Remus. I'm sorry about what happened and what was said. It wasn't right of him to do that to you." Remus nodded, biting his lip to avoid a reckless sob from escaping. Slowly, he took in a deep breath to push back the tears, and turned to face James. 

"It wasn't fake for me James. I tried to tell myself that I needed to be strong, to hold my feelings back. But I couldn't James." Remus felt the sadness creeping back up from his heart to his eyes, and this time he couldn't hold back the sobs that escaped him. "And now," Remus continued, "-now he knows. He knows I love him and he's disgusted by it. My heart feels like it's on fire but frozen at the same time. I feel ashamed, of who I am, of what I am. That my mere existence ruined my relationship with him.” 

The moment Remus started crying James had pulled him into his arms, cradling his head against his chest. "Remus, do not think like that. Never be ashamed of who you are. We love you, no matter who you love, and I know right now it doesn't seem like it but so does Sirius." At the mention of Sirius, Remus shook his head wildly, denying the mere idea that Sirius could feel anything towards him but pure disgust. James held him closer, shushing his cries while rubbing his back in a soothing motion. When Remus finally calmed down a bit, James spoke again. 

"I confronted him. This morning after you left. He- I can't tell you much, it's not my place. But he doesn't think of you like that. Last night, when he was surrounded by all those people and his mind was only at 10% with the alcohol, he got scared, I think. You know how his parents are, Rem. I think he believed that if he kissed you, he would have been hurt or something. His mind was back at Grimmauld Place, and he did what he felt he needed to to not get hurt." Remus absorbed this new information. He thought about Sirius' behavior, how he argued so quickly with Marlene, the same way Remus had seen him fight with his mother. 

'But," Remus started, propping himself up on one arm to fully face James. "That doesn't make sense. We held hands and cuddled in front of those people all the time!" He exclaimed, and James shrugged. "I don't know Moony. Sirius' mind runs differently than us. But it's something you need to talk about with him. I know you're upset and you don't need to talk to him now, but you both need to work this out. He doesn't hate you, quite the opposite really. You guys need each other, now more than ever." James concluded, and after some contemplation Remus nodded. 

Remus got back down in the position he was previously in, his head resting on James chest while James rubbed his back. "Okay, I will. But, can we just stay here a bit first?" Remus asked, and he could feel when James hummed in agreement. Remus decided that life right now was too overwhelming, and closed his eyes for a small nap with James. 

********

It was cold, being on the Astronomy tower this late at night. After Remus woke up with James, he had hung out with Lily for a bit before coming up here. By now it must have been around eleven at night, and he suspected that Sirius would be coming to meet him soon. Remus hadn't told Sirius he wanted to talk with him, but he knew that his stubbornness mixed with James' encouragement as well as the map would lead him straight here. 

Remus was sitting on the ground, looking out onto the rest of the castle, and he shuddered when a new gust of wind had blown through. 

"You're going to catch something if you stay out here in this weather." A voice from behind spoke, a voice that had Remus instinctively freezing in place while his heart ran laps. Remus didn't look his way, and soon the person approached and sat down next to him. Finally, Remus looked over and took in Sirius' features. His long hair was tied in a loose bun, and he was wearing his pajamas. But his eyes, his eyes held the same pain that Remus felt in his heart. Sirius turned his head from where it was overlooking the Castle and made eye contact with Remus. "Rem, I am so unbelievably sorry."

Remus shook his head and looked down at his hands. "I just don't understand. Why would you say those things? It's not like we weren't affectionate in front of those people before." Remus asked and Sirius sighed, rubbing his hand down his face. 

"I wish there was a simple reason Rem, but there's not." Sirius said.

"James said something about you thinking you were back at your old home."

Sirius nodded at this, and took in a deep breath and looked back out towards the property before he spoke again. "The summer before I ended up moving in with James, I had a-a fling you could say. His name was Tyler '' Remus' eyes widened at his confession, but he didn't say anything as to let Sirius continue. "One night, after hanging out, Tyler walked me home and as we stood on my doorstep he kissed me goodnight. Well he left and I walked in only to be greeted by the Devil herself."

"Walburga." Remus concluded and Sirius nodded. 

"Well as it turns out that night was a night that the entire Black family was visiting, and had watched me kiss another boy from the window. They didn't like that very much so Walburga dragged me inside and pushed me against the door while the rest of the family surrounded me." The pieces started to form more in Remus' mid as Sirius spoke.

"Just like what happened last night." Remus analyzed, and Sirius nodded once more. 

"Yeah, just like last night" he sighed "So, I'm surrounded by the amazing Black family with Walbeast in the middle, and she starts telling me how much of a disgrace I am, nothing new, but then the whole family joins in. And before I know it I'm being told I'm nothing more than a useless fag by the people who are supposed to love me the most. At one point, my father had smacked me and I landed on the ground, but they didn't stop. They kept yelling and screaming and I was kicked and hurt and eventually I just passed out from being too overwhelmed. I woke up still on the floor by the door."

Remus was shocked to silence, he didn't know how to respond to Sirius' confession. He knew the Black's were bad people and had caused Sirius major trauma, but he never knew any specific details like this. Sirius took a moment to breath, and looking over at him he could see that Sirius was trying to hold back tears, unfortunately though some had escaped. Not thinking of the consequences in that moment, Remus gently grasped Sirius' face in his hands and wiped the lingering tears away with his thumb. Sirius closed his eyes and nestled his head into Remus' hand. After composing himself, Sirius continued again. 

"So there we are, last night. I'm drunk and confused and suddenly all the attention was on me like before, and I'm being asked the one thing that got me hurt and I couldn't do it. I got scared and I panicked and I just started screaming back the things that were said to me." Sirius opened his eyes and turned towards Remus, and Remus only let one of his hands drop, the other still cradling Sirius' cheek. "And I should have never said the thing I said to you. No matter what state I was in. I don't think of you that way, I never have. You don't have to forgive me, Rem, but I swear if you do I will spend my entire lifetime proving to you how much you mean to me." 

Remus, for the first time in hours, smiled at Sirius. "I forgive you Sirius. I know you didn't mean it. It's just hard when the person you lo-care about, thinks of you in the same way you think about yourself." He confessed and Sirius' eyes widened, before he launched his hands and Remus' face and held them so they would look each other directly in the eyes.

"Remus, don't you ever think of yourself like that. You are perfect the way you are okay? And I'm so sorry that I outed you and made you feel like that, I didn't even really realize you were gay until I saw you're reaction to what I said." Sirius proclaimed and Remus laughed. 

"What? How could you not know?" Remus asked and Sirius looked at him confused. Suddenly feeling embarrassed Remus looked towards his hands again before saying "I don't think a straight person would look at you the way that I do." He confessed softly, refusing to look up at Sirius and bracing himself for rejection. 

Slowly, Sirius moved one of his hands from around Remus' cheeks so that he could use his finger to prop under Remus' chin. He forced Remus to look him in the eyes and Remus couldn't help but softly gasp at their proximity. "Do you mean that, Remus?" he asked, and Remus searched his eyes for a hint of his intention, but he only found, was that admiration?

Softly, Remus replied "Yes." And he saw Sirius smile softly before he closed his eyes and leaned in. Their lips connected for the first time, and Remus swore his heart would beat out of his chest. He kissed back somewhat unsure, but as he felt Sirius lips move against his he gained more confidence. Soon, Remus' hands were in Sirius' hair and Sirius was rubbing Remus' cheek with his thumb soothingly. They broke apart for air and looked into each other's eyes, each of their pupils blown wide before they leaned back in for a more heated kiss. Sirius' hands traveled from Remus' cheeks to the small of his back, and then Remus was pushed onto Sirius' lap. 

Remus tangled his hands in Sirius' hair and gripped harshly, causing a moan to slip from Sirius' mouth. Remus grinned into the kiss and Sirius broke it so his lips could travel from Remus' cheeks down to his neck. At one point, Sirius' lips traveled over a spot in between Remus' shoulder and neck, causing his breath to catch. Sirius took advantage of this spot to sink his teeth lightly into Remus' neck that would surely leave a mark, and made Remus moan loudly. 

Sirius' lips traveled up back to Remus' lips, and soon the heated kisses turned into small pecks, and then they were out of breath resting their foreheads against one another. They were breathing heavily, trying to get back the oxygen that they lost, but they could help but smile as they embraced each other. 

"We should get back to the dorm." Sirius finally said after a moment of asking in each other's embrace, and Remus nodded, but neither had yet to move. After another ten minutes they stood up, but not without Sirius grasping Remus' hand tightly before they headed back towards Gryffindor tower. After arriving back at the dorm they saw that the other two boys were asleep, and rummaged around for their night things quietly so as to not disturb them. After changing and brushing their teeth, Remus joined Sirius again in his bed. They faced one another and smiled, Sirius wrapping his arm around Remus and pulling him impossibly closer. Remus rested his head against Sirius' chest and closed his eyes, while Sirius placed his chin gently on Remus' head. Remus was just about to fall asleep when Sirius spoke.

"Hey, Moons?"

"Yeah Pad?"

"I love you." A grin broke out on Remus' face, and he nuzzled himself deeper into Sirius' embrace. 

"I love you too, Padfoot."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is the first time I've posted a fic since like, 2013, so id appreciate comments and feedback! i hope you enjoyed!


End file.
